The Idol of Acceptance

The first page of my current journal reads as follows:

"March 7, 2009

If purpose be found in the world around me, Then purpose shall be missed with each change in the wind. I've been given the gift of adaptability, but the curse of resistance to change - it is the anticipation which nearly kills me every time.

How would one prepare and yet be fully invested in the things given? How can you continually consider the future without lending yourself to it, and missing where you are - and the possibilities of it?

I wish to be ready to move to Dallas, and to leave this home in Denton, for my true home is not on earth at all. I wish also to be ready and prepared for life overseas, but foolishness begs of me to consider it when I get there.

Denton has been a sacred home, a place that has raised me and the time is coming to an end - it is time to grow up and take large steps into another unknown world.

Father, You see me and know me. Lord, you guide me and discipline me. Jesus, you see my wickedness and you still persist in Your love. Holy Spirit, You keep me thirsting. Savior, You bring me rest."

Little did I know that only five months later, my world as I knew it would be completely tossed into the cement truck, driven down the highway, spun and tossed about for what seemed like an eternity, and slowly/carefully poured into a foundation far away.

I have seen several of my close relationships come to an end, and even those which were never in firm soil. I have left the family and sense of security in the city where I resided for six years. I left the constant community of the girls with whom I lived, and entered into the mission field of my 85 yr. old grandmother. I left the community group which I had led for over two years, and the church campus where I felt I knew nearly every face. While this may sound devastating, the ties started to break, even before my bedroom was in Farmer's Branch; it was as though I was nearly kicked (by providence & action of the Lord) out of Denton.

After wrestling, struggling, crying out to the Lord and trying to find my sanity in the midst of extreme pain, extreme rejection and extreme discombobulation (to say the very least), it finally occurred that Denton was not safe at all! Comfort we seek, and comfort - I am certain - will lead us to death. The thing that we do not realize is that when a place so readily accepts us, when we find our confidence in others' opinion of us, we are just as doomed than if we had no community at all! My false sense of security led me to trust in my control over the lie that I carried. The Lie? That I am rejected. The self contrived remedy? To receive as much acceptance as possible, from as many people as possible.

Today, I stand misjudged, unknown, hated and despised by ones who used to be rather close. While only a few have turned from me, on account of my sin and theirs, it only took an ounce of rejection to reveal where my worship has been. I learned that, in my wickedness, I would rather have death, than rejection. I have fought every day of my life as a believer, to seek acceptance from humans, rather than acknowledging fully, my acceptance from my God. In Ezekiel 16, the Lord says of this:

" 'I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. ¹⁰ I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. ¹¹ I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, ¹² and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. ¹³ So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. ¹⁴ And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD.

¹⁵ " 'But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his. ¹⁶ You took some of your garments to make gaudy high places, where you carried on your prostitution. Such things should not happen, nor should they ever occur. ¹⁷ You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them. ¹⁸ And you took your embroidered clothes to put on them, and you offered my oil and incense before them. ¹⁹ Also the food I provided for you—the fine flour, olive oil and honey I gave you to eat—you offered as fragrant incense before them. That is what happened, declares the Sovereign LORD."

"Yet," He reminds us,"I will remember the covenant I made with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you (60)."

This is so emblematic of His love for us, and our natural response to Him; to use the gifts He brings, and to make them into idols. I have Jeremiah as my prayer, in seeking a right heart before God. If you use your best friend, your boyfriend, your husband, your old friends, your city, home, or reputation as your security, beware and flee from evil! For your Father is a jealous God, and will return your affections to Himself, at whatever cost!
God's words to Jeremiah 17:

"This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

⁶ He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

⁹ The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

¹⁰ "I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."

¹¹ Like a partridge that hatches eggs it did not lay
is the man who gains riches by unjust means.
When his life is half gone, they will desert him,
and in the end he will prove to be a fool.

¹² A glorious throne, exalted from the beginning,
is the place of our sanctuary.

¹³ O LORD, the hope of Israel,
all who forsake you will be put to shame.
Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust
because they have forsaken the LORD,
the spring of living water.

¹⁴ Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise."

No amount of suffering is in vain, for as I become more aware of my sinfulness, and suffer the pain of those who are also in need of a savior, I am reminded, by grace, that none is in vain. For as a wise puritan once prayed:

"Make me an instrument in thy hands, ready to seize every opportunity of usefulness, and willing to offer all of my talents to Thy service...my trials have been fewer than my sins...all Thy work for me is perfect, and I praise thee."